escapism (n): The tendency to escape from daily reality or routine by indulging in daydreaming, fantasy, or entertainment. (Source: www.dictionary.com)
or, as the Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary puts it, escapism is the 'habitual diversion of the mind to purely imaginative activity or entertainment as an escape from reality or routine'.
How true how true... This word appeared in my mind as I was taking a (toilet) break from mapling, and it just got stuck. Now, checking up the definition, perhaps that's what I've been doing. Excessive mapling to escape reality. Occupying myself in a almost-gravity-defying world where I am an archer-terrorist who is the king (ok fine, queen) of the snails, just to escape this world where the gravitational field strength is 9.81, an it's causing everything to come crashing down on me.
It's the end of the year, and like most other people at the end of the year, I tend to reflect a lot on what the year has been like... It's strange that the things that have hurt me and the things that could and should have been much better come back to haunt me most prominently at the end of the year. The ACS motto says 'The Best Is Yet To Be', but how long must I wait for the best? How long must I suffer disappointment and pain?
Comparing this year and the last, I must say some things have improved, and others have deproved. As a general overview, many of the things I was disappointed in last year and at the start of the year, I have finally found it in my heart to accept. For one, I've accepted it to be my personality to be a reserved person. I have tried to open up, and I have been hurt. I've also tried to reverse things, but I've finally realised that people do change, whether you like it or not. Circumstances do change people, for better or for worse. The people I once trusted, I find that I can no longer trust them, and the people I never expected to trust have proven themselves true friends. Some friends have become like rare gems refined in the fire. I'll leave that to you to interprete. In a manner of speaking, I've found who my true friends are, and I can safely say you, who is reading this entry now, are one of them.
That's about other people, but what about myself? Mummy considered me her 'shyest friend'. One year ago, I would have protested. Now... I know it's true. One (almost two actually) year ago, circumstances coaxed me to change. Now, circumstaces have once more coaxed me to accept that I'll never be an outgoing person. Not that I really care anymore. I am me. I want to be me. And being me means being this dreamer girl floating in the clouds somewhere, bombing the hill west of Henesys, making monkey faces at monkeys, making pork-and-mushroom soup, sometimes with an added banana (tastes quite good you know ^^). Being me means stopping all pretence of maturity. I want to continue being the 16 year old with the mind of a 3 year old, without a care in the world, just being a smile, a mask of automated smiles. That's all, I think, anyone ever needs to know about me. What goes on behind that mask, I think I won't bother anyone else with that. 'If you burden your friends, you'll end up not having any.'
If I had to sum up what I've learnt this year, it'll be this: the less you expect from others, the less you'll be disappointed when you don't get it, and the more the surprise when you do. We are all humans. We all have hopes and dreams, and from those arise expectations. To tell someone not to expect anything, it's like saying "Don't breathe.". I myself am a dreamer. And the more the dream, the harder I fall back to reality. True, some of my dreams do come true, some 0.0000000000000000001% of them. The elation is great, yet temporal, and insignificant compared to the disillution when dreams don't come true. Thus I have tried making it my resolve not to expect too great things. And so far, this theory has worked. I wonder how far it will carry me though. Most of my theories of life end up in the dust...
Ok, I know I'm rambling. I'm not making sense. I'm sorry. This is coming straight from my mind, unorganised and undiluted. Just had to get some end of year thoughts out... Sorry... I think this will do for now.
To all the friends who have stuck with me throughout the year, thank you! You all are great. Thank you for picking me up each time I fell and scraped my knee. Thank you for telling me it's alright. Thank you for holding my hand when I was afraid to go on. Thank you for walking with me this one year of my life. Here's to many more years of friendship!!