Maybe I'm just to pre-occupied with my Physics SPA tomorrow, hence my entry title. But the content is not a recent thing. It's been on my mind for a while now, since before the promos, and it's time I vomit it all out.
'[English is] an instrument for expressing and not for concealing or preventing thought.' - George Orwell
Firstly, forgive me for the password thingie. Call me paranoid, call me stupid, call me naive. That's my way of distinguishing those who really care from those who don't. Yes, I'm an attention-seeker. HA. You see, my blog address is known to all whom I trust, but but how do I know who are those who really care. Many would know that I'm a very close person, and that I am not really who I seem on the outside. As the villain of Shakespeare's Othello, Iago, said, 'I am not what I am.' And as most of you, my blog readers, would know by now, my blog is my window to the true me, the screwed up, FUBAR person who tries to act normal. Thus, I conclude that if you really want to know who I truely am, and if you care enough, you'd actually bother to ask for my password and gain access to inside the heart of this empty creature.
Forgive me, I am not strong. Or maybe I don't trust enough. Whatever it is, sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.
In my last post I used a battle as a metaphor for the exams. The battles are over, the victory is won, but peace? My mind is still in an inherent conflict. Voices in my head, bombarding me with questions: "What is change?", "Why am I changing?", " For whom am I changing?", "Can I stop the change?" I admit here and now that I am afraid of change. Perhaps one of the biggest oxymorons around is, 'constant change'; change is inevitable, but I still fear it. I'm scared of being in a new environment; I'm scared of meeting new people, even if they're nice to me; I'm scared to lose the things that I'm familiar with, even if change signifies something better. Every change in my life, I hate. This, I suspect, is the root of my self-hate, because I myself am constantly changing (mainly to "fit in" actually). And I change myself because I hate myself. Call it irony; call it the cycle of hate; call it what you will. But that does not hide the fact that hate due to change and change due to hate exists.
((Yes I'm mad. You can leave now if you want. I won't blame you. My fault for all the whining and ranting.))
These days I've been changing, for the better, I believe. The last entry is evidence of that. Yet self-hate has it's strange appeal. The pendulum swings back and forth, love to hate to love, trust to mistrust to trust. Perhaps because it is what I'm used to, what I've lived through for years. Is it possible for one month of change to overide about 10 years of pain? I don't know. But the pain is what is my norm, my comfort zone, if I may put it that way. And I hate change, remember? Even if scars can be covered up, fear remains.
Another reason of self-hate is my refusal to change sometimes. Refusal to change my perception of myself. Refusal to give up the things I hold dear. Refusal to give up my emotions. And mainly, refusal to accept change. What does that make me? An idiot. A jealous, stubborn, selfish idiot who cannot give up what is never meant to be hers.
Another question on my mind is: "who am I?" That's a stupid question, I know. But self-realisation isn't bringing me anywhere, only making me more and more convinced of my vile nature. An imbalanced girl who is all evil and no good. Why? Why? Why? Who exactly am I behind the mask of happiness and bravery? I wonder...
One year on, and I'm still asking myself the same questions. All I want is some answers. Or do I? What f I just want to go on brooding on dark thoughts all my life? What if I just want to leave this life behind? Or, if answers do come, what if I choose not to accept them? What if I don't want to change?
Will I ever change? Will I ever overcome my fear of change?
All I want to do is trust God. But can I change my mindset to do even that?
Thank you, mellon nin, for listening to my rants. I'll be fine. I always am in the end. It's only a matter of time. Ja ne~