And with it comes increasing stress. And paranoia. For those who haven't got the hint, let me spell it out in full: this isn't going to be a pretty entry. Consider yourself warned. You are hereby given permission to not read this entry. I just need some space to express myself, because I'm tired of talking to myself and the four walls. Oh, and the ceilling and the floor too.
I really wonder... Recently I've been in a relatively happy mood. Am I happy because I'm truely happy? Or am I happy because I've been suppressing all other feelings? Perhaps it's something I've forced myself not to think about for the last few days, but I'm becoming increasingly convinced the the reason for my happiness is the latter. Talk about brainwashing yourself. Haven't done that in a long time.
I feel as though I've been going around in circles and ended up back where I started. Net displacement zero. Wow. What a good job I've done. After all the sweat and tears, I've achieved nothing. I'm just amazing aren't I?
On my MSN nick are the words: 'ma raison d'être'. When I wrote that, I was clear of what my reason for living was. Now I'm not even sure there's such a reason. Literal meaning: please give me a knife, or perhaps allow me to demonstrate the benefits of living on the eleventh floor.
My right hand and head hurts. Maybe I should stop trying to make a hole in the wall. After all, it's innocent right?
And if anyone needs more proof of my sanity, or lack of it: part of me is craving for company, and another part of me just wants to be alone. Split personality? Or paranoia? Bahz... Want more proof? I'm currently obsessed with the PJC school song. Was even humming it in school today... Who said I was loyal to ACJC anyway?
No I'm not stressed. No I'm not stressed. No I'm not stressed. No I'm not paranoid. No I'm not paranoid. No I'm not paranoid.
I'm tired of trying not to think of stupid stuff. I'm tired of forcing the books down my throat. I'm tired of being an idiot. I'm tired of running in circles. I'm tired of relying on the chocolate-coffee diet.
I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I'm lost and I'm depressed.