Sometimes I just feel like leaving this world behind...
Sunday, May 15, 2005
And so it starts again... The vicious cycle of CO, guitar, CO, guitar... After just one week of break, we're going back into full swing. And this time the strain is getting worse... For me and probably half the CO too.
I mean, just look at how dead we were on saturday lah. Deader than usual. And like half of us didn't turn up. Even the conductor was dead, not literally, unfortunately...(ok, that's mean of me... sorry) Actually, come to think of it, perhaps that was why we just couldn't warm up yesterday. Sigh... With the concert coming... We have to regain our life soon, give the concert *some* hope.
Concert... Still think it's a big mistake... It's just too sudden. No time to recover from SYF, and the songs we're going to play are too...unappealing. Why can't Ms Too see that? Our targeted audience should be students, both from ACJC and elsewhere! So shouldn't we be playing something that appeals to our generation? As opposed to something so old we ourselves show black face playing them... Bleah... Dunno lah.
Moving away from CO, guitar is in a no better situation. All we've planned for our concert is the date... Which is not at all helpful... Perhaps except in one aspect, which is that it makes it easier to plan a combined concert with CO. Hope the plan goes well... And only one song is finalised so far... The instructor says we need to learn one song per combined session. I think that's a sure-flop method... Since half of us cannot read music notes... I really hope the concert can be a success, even if it's just a marginal one... But what are the odds? I don't even want to think about it... Sigh...
Today... Stoning big time... Practically spent the whole afternoon slacking, staring at the ceiling, and thinking. Think I needed the time out. But the more I thought, the more of a headache I got... Just felt like there were so many expectations to meet and so many things to worry about. Felt like leaving this world behind... All the worries, all the stress, all the pain, just end it all. Strangely felt like talking to someone, and then again felt like being left alone. Then I started thinking about the things I had resolved not to think about again... Stupid...
There is a certain group of people who have been constantly saying that I'm an idiot. They're right. I am stupid. I'm sick and tired of expectations, and of falling short of them. I'm sick and tired of trying to make the people around me happy, and of failing to do so. I'm sick and tired of smiling, and hiding my true self behind this mask. But life goes on... Even when you don't want it to.
To those who have been trying to strike a conversation with me today, sorry. Please bear with me. I haven't been very responsive and I'm getting irritating just by not saying anything... I know you all are innocent, but here I am silently taking out my frustrations on you guys. Silent retaliation... Trying hard not to scream at anyone, but if I do, sorry. I have no self-control... Sorry. Maybe it's just best to leave me alone for now...
Life goes on... Whatever may happen... Whatever the circumstances... There will always be stress and expectations, no matter how hard you try to run from them. Life goes on... and on... And so...